bye.

"I'm being serious about this," you said.
"About what?"
"About us."

I took a moment of silence. He might took that silence as an answer that have multiple meanings. If he was such a pessimist - it could mean hesitation. But, if he was such an optimistic kind of person, he would take that as a trigger to confess more.

He waited for me to say a thing or two.
I felt the pair of those typical Indonesian brown eyes of his stared at me. They wished to reach mine; but I avoided the brown lenses by looking away.
I merely could not give him a stare.

He waited.
But, anything that would come up from my mouth was unpleasant to hear - I swore.
I suddenly forgot all human vocabulary.
I forgot where did I put my voice the last time I used it.

Feelings are no jokes, though sometimes love is a game to play for two.There was no easy way to say this. There was no easy way to say that you are not in the state of wanting a relationship. Yes, of course you want to be romantically involved to someone - but if there is a time for that, you're very sure that today isn't the right time for romance. Right now, there's something that consumes most of your focus, takes most of your energy, and catches the most attention.
And, that thing isn't love.

It doesn't mean that you can't be serious about love. In fact, you're the kind of a person who loves deeply once you are falling in love.

The beginning of a relationship is like planting seeds. It takes time to finally grow to a plant. It even takes longer time to bloom as a flower with beautiful petals. Though, life these days allow us to get result instantly - mention that coffee in sachets, instant ramen noodles, and dating applications, some things still requires process. We need to put things in the right places (compromising differences and accepting their values). We need to accept that though the sparks are exciting, there are those things that would be added up on the contra list. In the process, we're getting to know the other person and in the middle of it - most couples-to-be are failed.

If they failed compromising thing, then giving up is the ending.

buku puisi

Aku ingin tersesat ke dalam buku puisi.
Mungkin bersembunyi di antara jeda kata-kata,
atau menjelma sepenggal bait berirama,
atau mendapuk diri
menjadi pemeran utama yang sedang jatuh cinta.

re(a)lationship.

I looked at our meaningless conversations. I looked at your recent question asking me to be close to you again. I clicked at your profile photo - smiling in that blue uniform, you look good as ever and I swear I admire that look of yours. I wonder - if anything is possible, I would put all my guards down and falling in love with you.

But, all these times I had been thinking bad of you. I judged you as some kind of Don Juan, meaning that you go through girls as easy as moving in between rooms. But I was tempted to talk with you - probably spending the time I have because it's better than doing nothing. I always found my self wondering about your true self - the real man beneath that uniform dealing with fears and probably feelings.

But judging you caused me to reflect my self - and I found out that I wasn't so much different with you.

I thought that I am ready to settle down in one relationship - dedicating my spare time for those video calls or meet ups, staying loyal to that significant other, and keeping up the bond under the possible storms ahead. I haven't mentioned about trust issues yet -

And I realized that I'm just a freebird loving the idea of being in love. Meaning that I agree with the idea of falling in love, letting that walls down for a little while, and enjoying the sparks by those flirtatious chats or possible meet ups. Though I see my self as mature enough to negotiate and being patient facing any difference, I still don't see that for now I want to settle down for a long period of time. Well - sure I want to be serious and get married some other day, but today is not the perfect time for me to start that.

I realized that both of us are seeking for love, but refusing to be committed to one person. I don't know whether we are afraid of getting too much attached to one person, afraid of getting our guards down, or just simply in wait for the right person to knock that walls down. I don't know.
But, I told you - I wasn't hoping for more but, what if the person we were waiting have been there all these times and we wasted them because we were thinking that they are not the one?

temporary

I love the idea of us spending time together, whether you will remember those days or not. Hanging out for a couple of times in the downtown area. I was looking for even a small sign of an attraction when you ran your fingers on my right hand, stating that my skin wasn't smooth as you expected it to be. I'm just in love to the fact that I have something to look back - pretty or not. I love the details of our meaningless conversation, though we both get ourselves wasted on those days. There was nothing touching about your words. They were empty and floating - and I felt like you were being a little too curious about my self by asking questions about how I broke up the last time. You'd probably forget the specific things about those days - but I managed to remember you frequently. I love the idea of having moments with you because now I had something to write about : you. I love the idea of us being together ... temporarily.

the after effect of Cinta & Rangga

suatu ketika -
aku menonton Cinta dan Rangga dalam kesempatan kedua mereka.
pada salah satu babaknya, ada sebuah puisi.
di bangku penonton bioskop,
kurasakan di dalam diriku ada yang menggeliat lalu meluap.
ku habiskan sisa malam itu dengan kopi dan menangis sejadi-jadinya.

for the past few years

a glimpse from the gloomy 2015 -


Aku rindu pukul enam pagi.
Pada sekitaran waktu itu, kamu akan menyelamati pagi hariku.
Pada masa itu, aku betul-betul bahagia kamu ada.
Aku akan menghabiskan beberapa detik di antara segala keributan pagi hari,
untuk menghayati ucapanmu.
Biasanya aku akan tersenyum dengan secangkir americano rumahan di tangan kiri,
dan telepon genggam di tangan kanan.
Membaca berulang antara namamu dan isi pesan -
jika bukan sarap, maka pastilah jatuh cinta.

Kalau saja Tuhan memberitahuku,
berminggu kemudian aku menjelang pagi
selama bertahun-tahun yang kelabu.
Suatu hari aku bangun pagi -
betul betul ingin berlari ke masa lalu.
Aku sudah betul-betul lelah berandai-andai
mengenai kita yang tidak sekedar hampir 
dan kau yang tidak hanya mampir.

Sebab aku betul-betul mencintaimu
dan aku bersedih karena sampai hari ini
kamu tidak mengetahui itu.

Aku masih patah hati -
mengingat kamu pernah berjanji
mentraktirku secangkir kopi.

past flings

1)
aku mencintaimu -
ingatanku juga cinta kepadamu.
terbukti dari bagaimana sulitnya
aku melupakanmu.

2)
'I love you', he said.
'It was only some conversations', she replied.

3)
Why do we often get ourselves trapped in confusion
between lovers and
nothing?
craving for a title,
craving for an acknowledgement.
something that should've been freely given.
we know how pointless that is -
standing in the middle of nowhere.
we know we're walking on the pavement
that leads nowhere
yet we refuse to move away.
because we're in the hopeless expectation
that;
one day
things will change
and happy ending
does exist.

4)
isn't it sad?
we know some good people
in reality they would become great pals -
yet we remember them differently,
for the heartbreaks.

5)
some people come into our life
as fireworks in the middle of night.
together we burn in desire
but we forget the scientific fact
that everything that burns
turns to dust

4)
I once read Norwegian Wood.
I agree with Toru.
He said that we remember the details
of a certain event,
more than the face of the person
we spent that time with.

One day -
we would recognize each other from the objects.
You'd remember me from the Japanese noodle
and a downtown skyscraper,
while I remember you from the grey pavement bricks
and a pair of movie tickets.

5)
Love is dead, he said when someone asked why a pair separated.
When someone asked for further details,
he looked away.
In all of a sudden -
we just stopped talking.

6)
Love is against science
It doesn't work in reciprocity.
It works beyond the measure,
it wants what it wants.
No amount of work could change
the result -
if it's against the wish.

7)
If you have no explanation
why you fell in love with me,
how couldn't I be afraid
if one day you could go
without telling me why?