s-o-l-o

So, it feels like it's the first time I'm officially being 100% single again since long time ago. I spent the past months having such unclear relationships with a few people. But I decided to let them go - all of them.

At first, I thought it would feel so lonely not having someone to swap regular texts daily - not having a love interest, but actually now that I'm absolutely single, well I should say that it is not that scary at all. I feel more like a free bird.

I realized that I don't think I'm suitable for relationship right now. I'm still not into dating.
I even think that dating is not my thing since it would feel definitely weird to me.
How could I show that I care to a person I barely knew for months? How could I enjoy spending time comfortably with someone I barely knew not so long time ago? How could I know that this person is trustworthy? How could I know if they could be somebody to lean on? How could I know that this person is going to worth what it costs to date (money, time, make ups)?

If you love the fluttering feeling of falling in love, you'd possibly enjoy going on dates.
But I don't think it's ever gonna work out for me.
Personally, I would much prefer spending my free time on the weekend with my family,
where we usually go to malls; watching movies, shopping, and grabbing nice foods to eat.
I'm so used to with people I knew so dearly like my sister and my mom, even it would feel weird for me if I do the same activities with another people.

I'm not feeling lonely,
well perhaps I'm just being confused about what to do at night where like most young adults out there spend their times texting and I'm just watching foodies videos or playing The Sims instead.
I couldn't say that's bad; in fact, I do enjoy every minute of my life now. I feel grateful.

Having no love interest doesn't mean that I'm empty,
it's just the love is transformed into different receiver; my family. I believe that they're the best love interest I could ever have in my lifetime. I focus all my concern and energy to make them happy. Everyday, I'm looking forward to spend time with them again on the weekend. For me, weekdays feel like I'm barely breathing, but weekend gets me feeling alive by being around the people that I love the most; my family.

I dreamed of us in the future

I dreamed of us in the future

as a couple living in separated places.
Different cities, different zip code

You, somewhere between those rivers and boats

Me, somewhere within the heavy traffic
You, surviving as one of those migrants
Me, struggling not to miss you too often.

I dreamed of us in the future

having an agenda to regularly meet once a month,
because we finally realized
this relationship worth more
than the cost of airplane tickets.

I dreamed of us in the future
holding on to each other,
for the sake of commitment.
Because in the end,
it's the only thing remains
when times gets old
and romance doesn't flutter
anymore.
Doesn't it sound romantic,
fighting to keep things
working out?
Because in our era,
it's way easier to dump someone
than to fight for one.

9:20 AM

Aku punya kebiasaan
mengabadikan setiap laki-laki yang ku jatuh cintai
dalam sajak-sajak,
dalam cerita yang tak dibaca siapapun,
dan dalam puisi yang kucipta untuk diriku sendiri.
Sebagaimana mereka yang pernah
menyempatkan diri untuk singgah,
aku pun akan menuliskanmu.
Tetapi, sayang,
Menulis bukan pekerjaan mudah,
sebab ketika aku merangkaikan kata demi kata itu -
aku sedang membentuk citra dirimu
untuk dikenal dalam kepala-kepala lain.
Aku harus berhati-hati memilih kosakata
dan menampilkan sisi-sisi dirimu,
karena seburuk apapun kau pernah berlaku
aku masih ingin mengenangkanmu
dengan cara-cara yang baik.
Aku tidak ingin mengingatmu dengan benci,
tapi juga tidak dengan rindu.
Seperti yang sudah-sudah,
aku yakin pada akhirnya
perlahan-lahan
kau akan jadi ingatan yang dilawan lupa.

12th June

I once read that perhaps the reason
we want everything,
because we don't want anything enough.
I wonder if the same theory could explain
why you can't be pleased with having just one.

"Am I not good enough for you?
Is there something from me that doesn't please you?"
For a period of time,
I was being full of insecure questions,
those that I shouldn't have had
if I actually loved the right one.

But it's you
who caught my attention
among them who came and tried.
Perhaps it has something to do with your playful persona.
Why are you so charming?
Why are you so appealing?
Why are you so interesting?
Why can't I have enough of you?

So I love you anyway -
telling you that almost everyday,
without even asking for yours in return.
Because being told I love you,
isn't as wanted as being told
I don't want to lose you
Perhaps it's because
you can love more than one person
and tell them everyday,
so your I love you sounds less than special.
But if you tell me
that you're afraid to lose me,
I could feel glad
because I finally mean something
to you.

I suspected you as a man
with a lot of lover options.
That way you won't have to risk
feeling bored with just one.
But it doesn't make me love you any less -
I will still try to convince you
how I am worth for your love.
You would have no idea
how much you would feel loved by me,
how you don't have to hesitate me,
how I could write you love poems
and send them to you randomly,
how I could tell you I love you daily,
how I will take you seriously.
So -
When will you make me be your one and only?

post modern romantic

You make me want to post love quotes
on my Instagram page.
And -
You're the main cause for that
#nowplaying and song lyrics updates -
so don't be a fool by thinking it has no purpose.
You're the man behind the poetic photo captions
who mentions no one,
but everyone all over the internet knows
it is secretly directing to someone.
You take the blame for my frequent updates,
because telling the world that I'm in love
is far easier than to tell you
I love you.

Nothing is more cheesy than our generation's love stories, right?

you, today

You're a crush.

I even told my mom about you.

I love reading your messages,

our meaningless conversations,

day and night.

I fall in love to your morning texts

and loving emojis.

I haven't heard a more pathetic love story

than a girl who becomes happy

after getting such digital attentions.

I didn't even bother to ask you

whether those sweet messages

were actually real.

I didn't even ask you

whether you sent it

to another people -

beside me.

Some of you might think

I was such a fool,

but it wasn't my rights

to force things to you.

All I care about is

having you around.

The matter of you loving me

is yours to deal with.

The only thing matter for me

 is

how I 

love 

you.

you, two years ago.

If I have to pick one song to represent everyone I know,
I would pick Adhitia Sofyan's Adelaide sky for you.
The lyrics are deep,

I need to know what's on your mind
These coffee cups are getting cold
Mind the people passing by
They don't know I'll be leaving soon

I'll fly away tomorrow
To far away
I'll admit a cliche
Things won't be the same without you

I'll be looking at my window seeing Adelaide sky
Would you be kind enough to remember
I'll be hearing my own foot steps under Adelaide sky
Would you be kind enough to remember me

I remember that Wednesday you asked me to go out,
because the night before they just informed you
in less than a week you'd leave your hometown
- our hometown to be exact,
to a place overseas with a lot of rivers.

That day I drove home listening to the song in repeat,
wondering how I wanted you
to keep me in mind.
All I want was to be remembered,
to have my messages replied,
and nothing more.
I was quite sure that wasn't too much too ask,
But, at the very same time,
I also hesitated if I meant that much
for you.

That day I asked my self,
I hesitated you,
and I found the answer
not very long after.