dear you.

1)
so, I'm letting go of everything that makes me feeling weak.
Or,
at least,
I'm trying to.
I feel like a fragile creature to have someone I cling to,
someone whose presence means so much for my days.
I don't want that,
but it did happen.
I have you as someone I once loved so much,
yet now you left me with no single explanation.
Leaving me with question marks
and unexplainable sorrow.

2)
You're more like a habit for me.
and everyone in the world knew
how uneasy it is to let go of a habit.
and I felt it deep
how uneasy it is to let go of a habit -
of you.

3)
I want to surf on our conversations
only to find where did I go wrong,
my words that put you in hesitation,
something that made you leave
with no explanation.

4)
I looked at a line of your name
in my list of conversations.
My latest message was not replied -
now for two days.

I looked at a line of your name
wondering what made you stop
talking to me like we used to.
Was it because of my unclear messages?
Was it because I became boring?
Was it because...
you suddenly realized
what you're not sure of me?

I looked at a line of your name.
Wondering whether all those sad quotes
that I post on my instagram
could bring you back to me?

I looked at a line of your name.
Thinking to my self that
I've been planning to wish you
a very blessed 22nd birthday
on 18th June next week.

I looked at a line of your name,
saying to my self
what a sad separation this is.

5)
Dear you,
I knew I never said it enough,
but Iloveyou.

R

Setelah sekian kalinya,
apakah suatu hari nanti
akan ada namamu
yang mendampingiku
di dalam sebuah buku
dan berdiri di sampingku
menyalami para tamu?

9:01 AM

Kubiarkan kau menjadi sebentuk keikhlasan,
sebentuk ingatan.
Aku masih akan mengenangmu dengan cara-cara yang baik.
Bagaimana bisa aku memaki
laki-laki yang aku cintai?

Perjalananku menuju kantor tiap hari menjadi berat di langkah-langkah kaki
sejak kau tidak lagi mengucapkan selamat pagi.
Jam-jam rehatku di waktu malam menjadi sepi
sejak tidak ada lagi kau untuk ku tunggu.
Ini hal yang mengejutkanku -
bahwa aku telah begitu terbiasa dengan kehadiranmu.
Berbulan bulan kau hadir pada setiap hariku
Yang sekarang cuma tinggal aku
tanpa adanya kamu.

Aku menyayangkan,
bagaimana kepadamu aku mencintai
tanpa sempat mengalami.
Aku masih mempertanyakan,
kenapa kau tidak menjadikanku tujuan
melainkan sekedar salah satu pilihan.
Aku ingin bertemu wujudmu
dan memelukmu.
Aku masih ingin kau dan aku.
Masih.

Apa aku tidak cukup baik bagimu?
Apakah satu saja tidak cukup untukmu?

Aku pikir suatu hari nanti kamu mungkin akan datang lagi
Kalau hari itu datang nanti,
untukmu aku akan selalu membuka hati.

2:57 PM

aku akan mengupayakan penerbangan paling pagi menuju kotamu,
aku ingin bertemu kamu,
dan memelukmu.
erat.

mencintaimu ada caranya

Mencintaimu ada caranya.
Salah satunya -
mencintaimu membutuhkan ketabahan.
Ketabahan untuk menunggu
pulangnya engkau dari perantauan
ataupun pesan percakapan.
Ketabahan untuk bersabar
menghadapi engkau dalam kejengkelan.
Ketabahan untuk berteguh
terhadap engkau sebagai pilihan.
Ketabahan untuk berkeyakinan
yang ku perjuangkan ini bukan kesia-siaan.

Aku mencintaimu dengan memaklumi kesibukanmu;
Sepanjang hari dimiliki jam kantor dan tenggat waktu,
aku diam-diam meredam rindu.
Aku tidak mengajukan banyak tuntutan padamu,
cukup kabari aku selagi kau punya waktu.

Aku tidak ingin mencintaimu dalam kekangan.
Itu bukan cinta namanya -
Aku ingin membuatmu betah bersamaku
Jadi aku belajar untuk percaya
dan membebaskanmu kemanapun kau suka.

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan cara-caraku,
Semoga itu cukup bagimu.

bye.

"I'm being serious about this," you said.
"About what?"
"About us."

I took a moment of silence. He might took that silence as an answer that have multiple meanings. If he was such a pessimist - it could mean hesitation. But, if he was such an optimistic kind of person, he would take that as a trigger to confess more.

He waited for me to say a thing or two.
I felt the pair of those typical Indonesian brown eyes of his stared at me. They wished to reach mine; but I avoided the brown lenses by looking away.
I merely could not give him a stare.

He waited.
But, anything that would come up from my mouth was unpleasant to hear - I swore.
I suddenly forgot all human vocabulary.
I forgot where did I put my voice the last time I used it.

Feelings are no jokes, though sometimes love is a game to play for two.There was no easy way to say this. There was no easy way to say that you are not in the state of wanting a relationship. Yes, of course you want to be romantically involved to someone - but if there is a time for that, you're very sure that today isn't the right time for romance. Right now, there's something that consumes most of your focus, takes most of your energy, and catches the most attention.
And, that thing isn't love.

It doesn't mean that you can't be serious about love. In fact, you're the kind of a person who loves deeply once you are falling in love.

The beginning of a relationship is like planting seeds. It takes time to finally grow to a plant. It even takes longer time to bloom as a flower with beautiful petals. Though, life these days allow us to get result instantly - mention that coffee in sachets, instant ramen noodles, and dating applications, some things still requires process. We need to put things in the right places (compromising differences and accepting their values). We need to accept that though the sparks are exciting, there are those things that would be added up on the contra list. In the process, we're getting to know the other person and in the middle of it - most couples-to-be are failed.

If they failed compromising thing, then giving up is the ending.

buku puisi

Aku ingin tersesat ke dalam buku puisi.
Mungkin bersembunyi di antara jeda kata-kata,
atau menjelma sepenggal bait berirama,
atau mendapuk diri
menjadi pemeran utama yang sedang jatuh cinta.