s-o-l-o

So, it feels like it's the first time I'm officially being 100% single again since long time ago. I spent the past months having such unclear relationships with a few people. But I decided to let them go - all of them.

At first, I thought it would feel so lonely not having someone to swap regular texts daily - not having a love interest, but actually now that I'm absolutely single, well I should say that it is not that scary at all. I feel more like a free bird.

I realized that I don't think I'm suitable for relationship right now. I'm still not into dating.
I even think that dating is not my thing since it would feel definitely weird to me.
How could I show that I care to a person I barely knew for months? How could I enjoy spending time comfortably with someone I barely knew not so long time ago? How could I know that this person is trustworthy? How could I know if they could be somebody to lean on? How could I know that this person is going to worth what it costs to date (money, time, make ups)?

If you love the fluttering feeling of falling in love, you'd possibly enjoy going on dates.
But I don't think it's ever gonna work out for me.
Personally, I would much prefer spending my free time on the weekend with my family,
where we usually go to malls; watching movies, shopping, and grabbing nice foods to eat.
I'm so used to with people I knew so dearly like my sister and my mom, even it would feel weird for me if I do the same activities with another people.

I'm not feeling lonely,
well perhaps I'm just being confused about what to do at night where like most young adults out there spend their times texting and I'm just watching foodies videos or playing The Sims instead.
I couldn't say that's bad; in fact, I do enjoy every minute of my life now. I feel grateful.

Having no love interest doesn't mean that I'm empty,
it's just the love is transformed into different receiver; my family. I believe that they're the best love interest I could ever have in my lifetime. I focus all my concern and energy to make them happy. Everyday, I'm looking forward to spend time with them again on the weekend. For me, weekdays feel like I'm barely breathing, but weekend gets me feeling alive by being around the people that I love the most; my family.

I dreamed of us in the future

I dreamed of us in the future

as a couple living in separated places.
Different cities, different zip code

You, somewhere between those rivers and boats

Me, somewhere within the heavy traffic
You, surviving as one of those migrants
Me, struggling not to miss you too often.

I dreamed of us in the future

having an agenda to regularly meet once a month,
because we finally realized
this relationship worth more
than the cost of airplane tickets.

I dreamed of us in the future
holding on to each other,
for the sake of commitment.
Because in the end,
it's the only thing remains
when times gets old
and romance doesn't flutter
anymore.
Doesn't it sound romantic,
fighting to keep things
working out?
Because in our era,
it's way easier to dump someone
than to fight for one.

9:20 AM

Aku punya kebiasaan
mengabadikan setiap laki-laki yang ku jatuh cintai
dalam sajak-sajak,
dalam cerita yang tak dibaca siapapun,
dan dalam puisi yang kucipta untuk diriku sendiri.
Sebagaimana mereka yang pernah
menyempatkan diri untuk singgah,
aku pun akan menuliskanmu.
Tetapi, sayang,
Menulis bukan pekerjaan mudah,
sebab ketika aku merangkaikan kata demi kata itu -
aku sedang membentuk citra dirimu
untuk dikenal dalam kepala-kepala lain.
Aku harus berhati-hati memilih kosakata
dan menampilkan sisi-sisi dirimu,
karena seburuk apapun kau pernah berlaku
aku masih ingin mengenangkanmu
dengan cara-cara yang baik.
Aku tidak ingin mengingatmu dengan benci,
tapi juga tidak dengan rindu.
Seperti yang sudah-sudah,
aku yakin pada akhirnya
perlahan-lahan
kau akan jadi ingatan yang dilawan lupa.

12th June

I once read that perhaps the reason
we want everything,
because we don't want anything enough.
I wonder if the same theory could explain
why you can't be pleased with having just one.

"Am I not good enough for you?
Is there something from me that doesn't please you?"
For a period of time,
I was being full of insecure questions,
those that I shouldn't have had
if I actually loved the right one.

But it's you
who caught my attention
among them who came and tried.
Perhaps it has something to do with your playful persona.
Why are you so charming?
Why are you so appealing?
Why are you so interesting?
Why can't I have enough of you?

So I love you anyway -
telling you that almost everyday,
without even asking for yours in return.
Because being told I love you,
isn't as wanted as being told
I don't want to lose you
Perhaps it's because
you can love more than one person
and tell them everyday,
so your I love you sounds less than special.
But if you tell me
that you're afraid to lose me,
I could feel glad
because I finally mean something
to you.

I suspected you as a man
with a lot of lover options.
That way you won't have to risk
feeling bored with just one.
But it doesn't make me love you any less -
I will still try to convince you
how I am worth for your love.
You would have no idea
how much you would feel loved by me,
how you don't have to hesitate me,
how I could write you love poems
and send them to you randomly,
how I could tell you I love you daily,
how I will take you seriously.
So -
When will you make me be your one and only?

post modern romantic

You make me want to post love quotes
on my Instagram page.
And -
You're the main cause for that
#nowplaying and song lyrics updates -
so don't be a fool by thinking it has no purpose.
You're the man behind the poetic photo captions
who mentions no one,
but everyone all over the internet knows
it is secretly directing to someone.
You take the blame for my frequent updates,
because telling the world that I'm in love
is far easier than to tell you
I love you.

Nothing is more cheesy than our generation's love stories, right?

you, today

You're a crush.

I even told my mom about you.

I love reading your messages,

our meaningless conversations,

day and night.

I fall in love to your morning texts

and loving emojis.

I haven't heard a more pathetic love story

than a girl who becomes happy

after getting such digital attentions.

I didn't even bother to ask you

whether those sweet messages

were actually real.

I didn't even ask you

whether you sent it

to another people -

beside me.

Some of you might think

I was such a fool,

but it wasn't my rights

to force things to you.

All I care about is

having you around.

The matter of you loving me

is yours to deal with.

The only thing matter for me

 is

how I 

love 

you.

you, two years ago.

If I have to pick one song to represent everyone I know,
I would pick Adhitia Sofyan's Adelaide sky for you.
The lyrics are deep,

I need to know what's on your mind
These coffee cups are getting cold
Mind the people passing by
They don't know I'll be leaving soon

I'll fly away tomorrow
To far away
I'll admit a cliche
Things won't be the same without you

I'll be looking at my window seeing Adelaide sky
Would you be kind enough to remember
I'll be hearing my own foot steps under Adelaide sky
Would you be kind enough to remember me

I remember that Wednesday you asked me to go out,
because the night before they just informed you
in less than a week you'd leave your hometown
- our hometown to be exact,
to a place overseas with a lot of rivers.

That day I drove home listening to the song in repeat,
wondering how I wanted you
to keep me in mind.
All I want was to be remembered,
to have my messages replied,
and nothing more.
I was quite sure that wasn't too much too ask,
But, at the very same time,
I also hesitated if I meant that much
for you.

That day I asked my self,
I hesitated you,
and I found the answer
not very long after.

11:33 AM

I feel like I had missed so much things.
I had wasted so many days.
I do admit that a friend of mine was right -
when he said that I was too picky.

I realized that the another main reason
why I gave up on most relationships
was because I wasn''t actually ready for something serious,
something with commitment thing.
I only liked the excitements
without actually wanting to settle down
and compromise the might-have-been problems.

I was such a bad person back then,
and now I took it as a karma for me.
For leaving so many people without even explaining,
now I had seen it my self,
how the world conspired a revenge,
with you leaving.
but would it be fair if you get a karma too?
can't this karma circle just end today?

Now that I wanted to settle down,
building a serious construction of a relationship
with you.
I had to swallow the bitter reality,
I had to accept the painful truth,
I had to cope up with disappointment.

all I want to do is to love you
and being super loyal to you
and taking care of you.

all I want to do is settling down with you,
wearing a ring from you,
and having a future with you.

can't we just love each other,
without being haunted by our past mistakes?

because it is you,
that I would like to spend my days with.

Oh Wonder - Without You (cropped)

That I've been out of my mind
This slow life I'm waiting for you
To swing me all of your light
Do you know?

Since I've been walking solo
Dreaming you were back home
Hi-fi getting down low
Hide until tomorrow

Come back into the good life
Lose these hazy love lines
I've been chasing my mind
Lonely in the cold nights

Cause I'm kicking up stones without you
Can't pick up the phone without you
I'm a little bit lost without you
Without you

And I'm digging down holes without you
Can't be on my own without you
I'm a little bit lost without you
Without you

dear you.

1)
so, I'm letting go of everything that makes me feeling weak.
Or,
at least,
I'm trying to.
I feel like a fragile creature to have someone I cling to,
someone whose presence means so much for my days.
I don't want that,
but it did happen.
I have you as someone I once loved so much,
yet now you left me with no single explanation.
Leaving me with question marks
and unexplainable sorrow.

2)
You're more like a habit for me.
and everyone in the world knew
how uneasy it is to let go of a habit.
and I felt it deep
how uneasy it is to let go of a habit -
of you.

3)
I want to surf on our conversations
only to find where did I go wrong,
my words that put you in hesitation,
something that made you leave
with no explanation.

4)
I looked at a line of your name
in my list of conversations.
My latest message was not replied -
now for two days.

I looked at a line of your name
wondering what made you stop
talking to me like we used to.
Was it because of my unclear messages?
Was it because I became boring?
Was it because...
you suddenly realized
what you're not sure of me?

I looked at a line of your name.
Wondering whether all those sad quotes
that I post on my instagram
could bring you back to me?

I looked at a line of your name.
Thinking to my self that
I've been planning to wish you
a very blessed 22nd birthday
on 18th June next week.

I looked at a line of your name,
saying to my self
what a sad separation this is.

5)
Dear you,
I knew I never said it enough,
but Iloveyou.

R

Setelah sekian kalinya,
apakah suatu hari nanti
akan ada namamu
yang mendampingiku
di dalam sebuah buku
dan berdiri di sampingku
menyalami para tamu?

9:01 AM

Kubiarkan kau menjadi sebentuk keikhlasan,
sebentuk ingatan.
Aku masih akan mengenangmu dengan cara-cara yang baik.
Bagaimana bisa aku memaki
laki-laki yang aku cintai?

Perjalananku menuju kantor tiap hari menjadi berat di langkah-langkah kaki
sejak kau tidak lagi mengucapkan selamat pagi.
Jam-jam rehatku di waktu malam menjadi sepi
sejak tidak ada lagi kau untuk ku tunggu.
Ini hal yang mengejutkanku -
bahwa aku telah begitu terbiasa dengan kehadiranmu.
Berbulan bulan kau hadir pada setiap hariku
Yang sekarang cuma tinggal aku
tanpa adanya kamu.

Aku menyayangkan,
bagaimana kepadamu aku mencintai
tanpa sempat mengalami.
Aku masih mempertanyakan,
kenapa kau tidak menjadikanku tujuan
melainkan sekedar salah satu pilihan.
Aku ingin bertemu wujudmu
dan memelukmu.
Aku masih ingin kau dan aku.
Masih.

Apa aku tidak cukup baik bagimu?
Apakah satu saja tidak cukup untukmu?

Aku pikir suatu hari nanti kamu mungkin akan datang lagi
Kalau hari itu datang nanti,
untukmu aku akan selalu membuka hati.

2:57 PM

aku akan mengupayakan penerbangan paling pagi menuju kotamu,
aku ingin bertemu kamu,
dan memelukmu.
erat.

mencintaimu ada caranya

Mencintaimu ada caranya.
Salah satunya -
mencintaimu membutuhkan ketabahan.
Ketabahan untuk menunggu
pulangnya engkau dari perantauan
ataupun pesan percakapan.
Ketabahan untuk bersabar
menghadapi engkau dalam kejengkelan.
Ketabahan untuk berteguh
terhadap engkau sebagai pilihan.
Ketabahan untuk berkeyakinan
yang ku perjuangkan ini bukan kesia-siaan.

Aku mencintaimu dengan memaklumi kesibukanmu;
Sepanjang hari dimiliki jam kantor dan tenggat waktu,
aku diam-diam meredam rindu.
Aku tidak mengajukan banyak tuntutan padamu,
cukup kabari aku selagi kau punya waktu.

Aku tidak ingin mencintaimu dalam kekangan.
Itu bukan cinta namanya -
Aku ingin membuatmu betah bersamaku
Jadi aku belajar untuk percaya
dan membebaskanmu kemanapun kau suka.

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan cara-caraku,
Semoga itu cukup bagimu.