re(a)lationship.

I looked at our meaningless conversations. I looked at your recent question asking me to be close to you again. I clicked at your profile photo - smiling in that blue uniform, you look good as ever and I swear I admire that look of yours. I wonder - if anything is possible, I would put all my guards down and falling in love with you.

But, all these times I had been thinking bad of you. I judged you as some kind of Don Juan, meaning that you go through girls as easy as moving in between rooms. But I was tempted to talk with you - probably spending the time I have because it's better than doing nothing. I always found my self wondering about your true self - the real man beneath that uniform dealing with fears and probably feelings.

But judging you caused me to reflect my self - and I found out that I wasn't so much different with you.

I thought that I am ready to settle down in one relationship - dedicating my spare time for those video calls or meet ups, staying loyal to that significant other, and keeping up the bond under the possible storms ahead. I haven't mentioned about trust issues yet -

And I realized that I'm just a freebird loving the idea of being in love. Meaning that I agree with the idea of falling in love, letting that walls down for a little while, and enjoying the sparks by those flirtatious chats or possible meet ups. Though I see my self as mature enough to negotiate and being patient facing any difference, I still don't see that for now I want to settle down for a long period of time. Well - sure I want to be serious and get married some other day, but today is not the perfect time for me to start that.

I realized that both of us are seeking for love, but refusing to be committed to one person. I don't know whether we are afraid of getting too much attached to one person, afraid of getting our guards down, or just simply in wait for the right person to knock that walls down. I don't know.
But, I told you - I wasn't hoping for more but, what if the person we were waiting have been there all these times and we wasted them because we were thinking that they are not the one?

temporary

I love the idea of us spending time together, whether you will remember those days or not. Hanging out for a couple of times in the downtown area. I was looking for even a small sign of an attraction when you ran your fingers on my right hand, stating that my skin wasn't smooth as you expected it to be. I'm just in love to the fact that I have something to look back - pretty or not. I love the details of our meaningless conversation, though we both get ourselves wasted on those days. There was nothing touching about your words. They were empty and floating - and I felt like you were being a little too curious about my self by asking questions about how I broke up the last time. You'd probably forget the specific things about those days - but I managed to remember you frequently. I love the idea of having moments with you because now I had something to write about : you. I love the idea of us being together ... temporarily.

the after effect of Cinta & Rangga

suatu ketika -
aku menonton Cinta dan Rangga dalam kesempatan kedua mereka.
pada salah satu babaknya, ada sebuah puisi.
di bangku penonton bioskop,
kurasakan di dalam diriku ada yang menggeliat lalu meluap.
ku habiskan sisa malam itu dengan kopi dan menangis sejadi-jadinya.

for the past few years

a glimpse from the gloomy 2015 -


Aku rindu pukul enam pagi.
Pada sekitaran waktu itu, kamu akan menyelamati pagi hariku.
Pada masa itu, aku betul-betul bahagia kamu ada.
Aku akan menghabiskan beberapa detik di antara segala keributan pagi hari,
untuk menghayati ucapanmu.
Biasanya aku akan tersenyum dengan secangkir americano rumahan di tangan kiri,
dan telepon genggam di tangan kanan.
Membaca berulang antara namamu dan isi pesan -
jika bukan sarap, maka pastilah jatuh cinta.

Kalau saja Tuhan memberitahuku,
berminggu kemudian aku menjelang pagi
selama bertahun-tahun yang kelabu.
Suatu hari aku bangun pagi -
betul betul ingin berlari ke masa lalu.
Aku sudah betul-betul lelah berandai-andai
mengenai kita yang tidak sekedar hampir 
dan kau yang tidak hanya mampir.

Sebab aku betul-betul mencintaimu
dan aku bersedih karena sampai hari ini
kamu tidak mengetahui itu.

Aku masih patah hati -
mengingat kamu pernah berjanji
mentraktirku secangkir kopi.

past flings

1)
aku mencintaimu -
ingatanku juga cinta kepadamu.
terbukti dari bagaimana sulitnya
aku melupakanmu.

2)
'I love you', he said.
'It was only some conversations', she replied.

3)
Why do we often get ourselves trapped in confusion
between lovers and
nothing?
craving for a title,
craving for an acknowledgement.
something that should've been freely given.
we know how pointless that is -
standing in the middle of nowhere.
we know we're walking on the pavement
that leads nowhere
yet we refuse to move away.
because we're in the hopeless expectation
that;
one day
things will change
and happy ending
does exist.

4)
isn't it sad?
we know some good people
in reality they would become great pals -
yet we remember them differently,
for the heartbreaks.

5)
some people come into our life
as fireworks in the middle of night.
together we burn in desire
but we forget the scientific fact
that everything that burns
turns to dust

4)
I once read Norwegian Wood.
I agree with Toru.
He said that we remember the details
of a certain event,
more than the face of the person
we spent that time with.

One day -
we would recognize each other from the objects.
You'd remember me from the Japanese noodle
and a downtown skyscraper,
while I remember you from the grey pavement bricks
and a pair of movie tickets.

5)
Love is dead, he said when someone asked why a pair separated.
When someone asked for further details,
he looked away.
In all of a sudden -
we just stopped talking.

6)
Love is against science
It doesn't work in reciprocity.
It works beyond the measure,
it wants what it wants.
No amount of work could change
the result -
if it's against the wish.

7)
If you have no explanation
why you fell in love with me,
how couldn't I be afraid
if one day you could go
without telling me why?

holla 2017.

I was a bit shocked realizing how I was so unproductive last year. There are only four posts from May. Instead of finding an object to take all the blame for that lack of writing during 2016 - I pushed my self to do better this year. I believe that 2017 is going to be much better. Yes, I'm trying to write more posts. Apakah ngetweet di twitter termasuk writing activity juga? Because if you think writing is feelings-transforming-to-words maka tweet-tweet luapan emosi di twitter itu termasuk juga.
LOL.

I haven't thought about new variety for this blog's contents. I don't do much things beside my daily routine on weekdays, selain hangout with Mom on our favorite mall di tengah Kota Surabaya yang metropolitan dan minum kopi di kedai yang itu-itu aja yang ada logo putri duyung. Love would still be the string that connects all posts from all years, because love may come and go but love never goes out of style.
It only transforms to different people and different kind of relationship.
Gitulah.

Padahal ya ide-ide untuk posting di blog itu sudah ada, tapi selalu jadi wacana aja. Pantes deh generasiku dilabeli generasi wacana sam Rhenald Khasali. I quite present those youngsters kan. Wkwk.
Beberapa kali - aku ngobrol sama Mba Ika di whatsapp soal problematika cinta di era informatika sekarang ini. It's good to have someone like her- someone who understands the problems most early 20s are suffering from. I should add that she also has great and mature opinions about them. Aku suka. One day we were talking about the kind of relationship that is yet to be called a relationsip ngomongo ae HTS and she said I should write that experience gitu since we both had been into it for couple of times yea. Yah, aku pun udah tau persis which one I want to put into words but.... I'm so bad at managing time to make that happen. I really wish I could make that happen immediately.

Anw - one of my biggest resolution this year itu at least membaca 1 buku 1 bulan. I bought like three books last year dan berhasil baca 1 sedangkan yang 2 mangkrak. Menyedihkan. I'm going to finish them all before I buy new ones. Doakan saja ya.

maaf.

Aku menelusuri potret-potret dirimu,
pemandangan beragam rupa alam dan deretan gigi.
Kau tampaknya selalu bahagia dengan semua perjalanan itu-
Kawah di pegunungan, setapak jalan di alam bebas,
belum lagi pasir halus dan ombak yang menggulung biru di laut.
 Sedari awal, aku tahu kau tinggal di banyak kota
Kau tahu harga nasi padang di Bintaro
dan di pinggir Pulau Jawa itu berbeda.
Bagimu perjalanan antarkota dalam propinsi adalah hiburan
Entah yang kau cari pengalaman, atau sekedar pelarian

Aku suka rekaman perjalananmu untukku
yang kau buat pada suatu pendakian
di gunung paling ujung pulau
Bisa kulihat jalan setapak buatan
dan beberapa rekan perjalananmu.
Kau dan mereka semuanya tersenyum -
bahagia.

Aku suka mendengar suaramu berbicara di telepon
Seolah-olah kau tengah duduk di depanku pada sebuah kafetaria
dan kita bukannya baru dua minggu lalu saling tahu nama.
Aku juga suka permainan gitarmu
Diam-diam aku suka menontonnya saat aku sedang tidak sibuk
atau sebelum aku tidur waktu malam
Dari suaramu itu-
kau terdengar seperti seorang teman lama.
Kalau kau mencari pengagum -
aku akan menjadi pendengarmu yang setia.

Aku cuma bisa tertegun menatap potret-potretmu.
Kau tidak boleh punya ketertarikan apapun padaku.
Kau tidak boleh jatuh cinta dengan percakapan kita di telepon.
Kau tidak boleh ingin datang menemuiku di kota ini

Kau baik, sungguh.
Tapi maafkan aku -
Aku tidak bisa berjanji untuk perjalanan ke alam bebas denganmu.
Kau manusia yang memiliki pertanyaan
Kau menginginkan jawaban,
dan itu tidak ada padaku.
Anggap saja -
saat ini kita sedang saling menghabiskan waktu..

virtual match

You come to Tinder in hope you're going to find someone - regardless what your intention is, someone to hook up with, someone to give you attention in a regularly daily basis, someone to be involved in a serious relationship with, or just simply nothing more than a fling.
At a side, dating app sounds like a solution for singles out there. Don't blame someone who install the app because we can't say that they are too socially passive to go to social events, parties, etc. Sometimes, people can be stuck in such a situation where there's nobody around their ages (and available to date), such as if you're an office worker. You work five days a week, get back home at around 5 (or even later), no involvement in social groups consisting big amount of people, and prefer spend weekends with family or closest friends. There are little chances to meet someone new.
So, you can't just hang up there and hearing the reproduction clock keeps ticking -
You just can't hang up there while deep down you crave for partner to share stories with -
You have to do something, get yourself someone new, and see how things go. And, dating app is like a turning on yellow bulb outside your brain.
A solution.
It does sound like a solution for dead-end street loneliness.

Not to mention how easy it is to create a profile and find people from different places. I found my self amazed to find out how some people with a good job, a good educational background, and a good face is single. Like, how many people in this world that have such qualities within themselves are single anyway? I don't know if they're really single or just actually bored from their current relationship. They feel like they're not even real (well, they do - it's just they have no existence in your world - well, perhaps not yet). Swap left and right for few times then you'll find one. Then it's your decision to approach them further, or just leave it there to find another matches.

I honestly admit how awkward it is to flirt with someone you barely know. Like, it's creepy - you don't even know them in real life. IRL, I found how some people could be

Coming to Tinder in hope to find someone cute to waste time with flirtatious texts - but, is that really what we need? Swapping photos left and right because you don't have someone to give you attention in daily basis when in fact, you need that. You miss having showering attentions - Friends don't count because no-they don't woo you the way those strangers might end up doing. But, is that what you want? Wooing with strangers you don't even meet in real life?

You could meet someone everyday for months and still not knowing them for 100 percent. There are still parts of them - secrets, traits, or habits - that surprise you and you need some time to deal with that. You could know someone for a long time and say things like you don't want to date them because you know how they are in person, like there are things about themselves that annoy you or do not meet your standards.
What about those strangers, then?
You'll be more surprised when you figure themselves out.
 More?
That means for strangers or acquaintances, we would still be surprised when we get closer, right? We can be friends with someone for such a long period of time and still not feeling anything special for them - just literally no sparks. It's just casual relationship between mates. But, then we bump into this one person and suddenly it feels different. It feels like 'voila' and it will be like every pessimistic perspectives about relationship and love completely disappear. You know 500 days of Summer, right? If I'm not mistaken, that's one of those movies you freaking love.
So, I guess, bumping into a random stranger on a social dating application is one of the way you meet your click? That you will just look at one picture, judging if they're cute enough for a sleepover on this Saturday, and deciding to swap them to send flirts - oh, I should've known just how lonely you are.

sajak awal tahun

1)
Aku akan menghadiahkan puisi pada hari ulang tahunmu.
Tiap hari aku akan menulis satu baris
mengenai hal-hal apa saja
yang membuatku jatuh cinta.

2)
Kau laki-laki yang pendiam;
dalam berbicara hemat penggunaan kata,
dalam berlaku tak pernah banyak tingkah,
serta tidak banyak mengumbar cerita.
Sedari dulu aku cuma pengagum rahasia,
aku memuja dari pinggir lapangan,
aku mengenalmu sejauh punggungmu saja,
sedang kau hanya mengetahuiku sebatas nama.

3)
Bangku-bangku taman kota dan pepohonan tuanya,
alun-alun kota yang sudut-sudutnya dimiliki para remaja
Guguran ranting, pendar senja hari, dan padat seberang jalan raya
pada bersiap untuk menjadi latar cerita.
Aku berdiri di salah satu lampu taman berkepala bola,
menunggumu datang jauh-jauh dari Surabaya.

penghibur

Aku bersembunyi di balik kesibukan,
kepala menunduk dan tubuh menekuk
di bawah meja kerja
hati ku jejalkan sekenanya
di laci meja yang kututup rapat-rapat.

Aku berharap bisa bangun di pagi hari
tanpa perlu mengingat raut di wajahmu pada hari Minggu itu.
Itu adalah hari dimana sepasang orang asing menjalin keakraban
Kita menanggalkan jati diri dan meninggalkan zona-zona nyaman
Kau mencoba berlari dari masa lalu tempatmu akan selalu berada
Aku mencoba peruntungan dalam pencarian akan pasangan,
Kita -singkatnya- menjebak diri untuk bersenang-senang di masa sekarang

Aku masih berharap bisa melewati bandara Juanda
tanpa perlu ingat jaket biru tua dan sesosok lelaki muda.
Kau lebih baik tidak perlu ingat dua karcis bioskop tua
dan seorang perempuan yang menunggumu dengan segelas kopi
di tangannya.
Semoga kesibukan dan rutinitas mencuci habis ingatanmu
tentangku,
semoga tenggat waktu dan setumpuk gawai di meja menyita perhatianku
dari sesekali mengingatmu

Semua adalah ilusi -
meskipun yang terjadi hari itu bukan fantasi
Kita merindukan keakraban, tapi menolak terjebak sebuah ikatan
Kau bermain-main dengan kemungkinan,
dan aku yang memberi kesempatan.
Tapi hidup sudah berjalan seadil-adilnya -
kau dan aku sedari awal memang tak ditakdirkan,
bagi satu sama lain, kita cuma penghiburan.
Tidak lebih.